Having a mental fortitude.
Ways to be strong mentally as you are fighting a chronic disease.
Laura Herrera
Nov 14, 2020· 11 min read
Photo by Milo Bunnik on Unsplash
Fortitude- What does that exactly mean?
Well according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary it means:
Strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage
Synonyms:
Backbone, constancy, fiber, grit, grittiness, guts, intestinal fortitude, pluck, spunk
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fortitude
Wow, fortitude is a really powerful word that packs some power on its own.
We’ve all been through it and maybe we’ve all done it ourselves- Meaning well and saying something to another person that was meant to be helpful but wasn’t at all. You may be the one on the receiving end of these comments because you are going through a chronic disease or maybe you are reading this article and have a loved one or friend that is going through a chronic disease and want to know how to better support them. In either case, I hope you find ways here that are not only helpful but that you also stay encouraged in your journey in whatever you are going through.
Let’s start from getting a sound description of what is a chronic disease.
What is chronic?
Well according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary it means:
Continuing or occurring again and again for a long time.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/chronic
How do we distinguish what a disease is?
According to Lexico Dictionary, it means:
A disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, especially one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury.
https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/disease
These two definitions alone simplify what so many find confusing. Chronic diseases are not something that just goes away- it is something that a person can deal with constantly or be fine one day and not the next. Chronic diseases usually have no pattern, no rhyme, or reason. And for MANY people it can take many years to be diagnosed. Chronic diseases can be VERY HARD to determine by doctors based on a person’s symptoms for many reasons. For more in-depth reading, after you read this article, go to my other article titled Why many chronic diseases are so hard to be diagnosed by doctors.
I went through a chronic disease for 11 years. For the first 7 years, I was fighting to get answers to what I was going through. I didn’t know how to talk to people about any of it. I was in and out of ERs, doctor’s offices, hospitals, etc. and no one knew how to help me. Even after I was diagnosed I still found it hard because the disease wasn’t well known even to the medical world. I often found myself feeling beat up mentally, not only due to the medical world not knowing how to help me but also with my friends, family, and loved ones. I felt alone.
Going through a chronic disease is beyond tough. It affects your whole life. Not only does a person have to deal with the physical ailments and symptoms but it also affects the relationships with someone’s family, loved ones, friends, and the medical world. This is all on top of affecting someone emotionally and financially. For those that haven’t gone through a disease, thankfully they do not know of all the burdens it can weigh heavily on someone. However because of this, those around us may want to be supportive but just don’t know-how.
If you are the person going through a chronic disease I suggest that you work on having at least 2–3 general responses to give to well-meaning people and or to yourself when someone says something upsetting.
The goal is to save your relationships and to guard your heart and in return extend love toward yourself in what you are going through.
A lot of times if you are going through a chronic illness you have found yourself in situations where you have felt like you haven’t been heard. It can start to shut off your voice. This is exactly how I felt. I want to empower you to use your voice again and to be able to block any hurts or past traumas from other past conversations.
For example if someone says to you, “Oh I know so and so who went through the same disease you are and they did this.” or may be someone says to you, “Have you tried this, have you done this? Have you gone to this doctor or that doctor? You should order this online.” Etc. etc.
I can’t tell you how many times people told me stories of someone else they knew who may have went through the same disease as me, but had totally different symptoms than me. Or the disease wasn’t as bad for that person and something as simple as birth control helped them. MOST of the time I had already tried everything they suggested without any resolution to my symptoms. And just on the topic of birth control- I can’t tell you how many different ones I was put on. This was on top of the other treatments I was going through to help my symptoms. ALL of which were not helping. I found it hard to politely respond in a way that uplifted me. I wish I would have responded like this:
Thank you. I’ll further research it for myself.
(This takes the burden off of you to please that person and say you will try what they said for you to try. This shows gratitude but confidence that you and you alone will make that decision on whether to continue with their suggestion.)
2. Thank you for your concern. I’m sorry so and so went through this disease as well. It seems they had different symptoms than me. I have tried what worked for them and it didn’t help. Chronic diseases can have different symptoms for different people, that is why it is so hard to be diagnosed and treated. The symptoms I go through again are:
I am working on finding a doctor who can help me with what I’m going through.
(Often times it didn’t make me feel well when someone would bring up someone else’s story and their symptoms and struggles didn’t line up with mine AT ALL! It made me feel at times that people generalized what I was going through and the disease itself. It made me feel as if everything I had told them I went through that they didn’t listen at all and that they were comparing my story to someone else. I know they meant well, but I would feel as if what I WAS GOING THROUGH wasn’t of importance.)
Get firm in your beliefs and convictions when others say things to you that are not right.
For example:
I can’t tell you the number of times I heard someone tell me- “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Every time this was said, it would infuriate me. It was as if they were telling me to my face, God chose to give you a disease that was debilitating. One where I would be in excruciating pain from time to time to the point of vomiting uncontrollably (average of 15–20 times within a few hours) and the only way to make it stop was to get medical intervention at the ER. My body going through medical shock to the point where I would lose ALL color and become grey, sweating profusely in cold/fever sweats, I could hardly talk or walk and all my strength would be gone. So were they also telling me, God chose to give me this disease that I may not be able to have kids? One that has a VERY HIGH percentage of women having infertility issues. Were they telling me, God chose to give me a disease that EVERY DOCTOR I MET over the years (until my last doctor) told me on multiple occasions that my last resort was a hysterectomy? Oh wait, maybe they were telling me God chose to give you a disease where I’d be fine one moment and not the next. One where I had to keep bags on me at all times in case a bout of pain came on so strong that would make me vomit. One where I’d have to pull off on the side of the road sometimes to allow the pain to subside before continuing to drive so I didn’t cause a car wreck. Did God give me a disease where I had medical bills sky-high? I’ve literally laid out medical bills on my bed that covered the bed from one end to the other.
LET ME ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FOR YOU..
NO, MY GOD DID NOT GIVE ME A DISEASE. I would have to tell myself this EVERY TIME someone would say this nonsense to me which isn’t even scriptural. Look it up for yourself, you will not find a scripture that says this.
The scripture people reference is not even talking about pain and suffering it is referring to temptations. I will not go into the full context of that scripture, but I suggest you do further research if this has been something others have said to you. When people would say this to me I would tell myself in my head was- NO, MY GOD DID NOT GIVE ME THIS DISEASE, BUT HE CAN MAKE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN FROM THIS. I had to keep this in my mind because it was the only way I could keep hope alive that He could turn it out for good.
I wish I had the strength while going through the disease to tell people to their face what I would tell myself in my head. I encourage you to do so, however, if you can’t, PLEASE at least tell yourself in your head the truth. Do not let others’ beliefs factor or alter your beliefs. When you have your own firm beliefs and truth when others say things to you even if you do not audibly say it out loud it keeps you grounded emotionally.
You can say something like this:
I know you mean well, but I do not believe God gave me this disease as you state. However, I believe……
Now let me encourage you. When this happens you may feel this hurt, betrayed, not heard, not considered worth being healed. If this is you, please remember these are people and people are human. If they truly understood really what you were going through, they probably wouldn’t have said what they said. THEY DO NOT KNOW YOUR FULL JOURNEY UP UNTIL THIS POINT, BUT YOU DO AND YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS (every aspect of the disease-physically, mentally, relationally, and financially.) It is not your burden to carry in having to explain everything to someone so that they understand.
Take a moment and pause this article. Think of a few main recurring things people have said to you. Now write them down. Take a moment if you need to and process through this. Cry if you need to. Love yourself through this! If this is too much, ask a friend or loved one to sit with you. Now think of or write down what in turn you will be saying to yourself and or also to the other person.
Are you back? :)
Another way I suggest helping use your voice if you don’t know what to say or if you have family members or friends etc. that you haven’t known how to share with them all that you are going through:
Print out a few articles concerning the disease you are going through and highlight your symptoms etc. keep a copy in your purse, somewhere always with you or somewhere in your home.
If you can not print out an article. Keep a few links to a few articles or research sites. Pass it along to those you want to share with and ask them to read with you or talk to you after the have read it.
You can always share these few ways with someone when you feel you are not getting through to them or don’t have the words to say concerning the disease you are going through.
You may feel alone in your journey as I did.
I suggest both these ways and have done so in the past with family members. When I shared a few highlighted printed articles with my sister, after she was done she came to me crying saying, “I didn’t know.” We then held and embraced and cried. Now, this was after I was diagnosed. This was after 7 years of me going through symptoms and being in and out of hospitals. She didn’t know because I didn’t even know what I was going through and once I was diagnosed I still didn’t know how to explain what I and my body was battling through.
Take this as an encouragement- Sometimes empathy is taken out of the equation if others feel you don’t need it.
Let me explain: I believe that many times people and especially family in my life thought, “O Laura is strong, she can handle anything.” Yes, they were right, I was and still am strong, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel alone in it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t not only fight a physical battle with my health but I also did in my mind and emotions.
I say this because I want you to be encouraged. There will be times when those that you love don’t understand or show us the empathy or genuine care we were expecting in return to using our voice. I want you to keep this in the back of your mind- “We can’t shape someone’s empathy for us.” We can only give of ourselves and tell our stories and share our symptoms. However, we are not the other person. We do not have control on how they respond to us. If you do not get the response you were hoping for, Love yourself through it and tell yourself you are still proud of yourself for using your voice. If this is a relationship where you cherish the relationship and don’t want to carry a hardened heart towards the person, ask yourself if you should try to open the communication channels and explain how it made you feel. If you don’t think this is a healthy person on the other end that will listen to you explain your feelings- validate yourself as I mentioned earlier and tell yourself you are proud of yourself for using your voice.
How to receive love in the way you need love.
Few things to think about and say if you feel you are not feeling loved by your loved ones:
I am feeling alone
I’m feeling scared
I don’t have this altogether as it seems
When you say this…………. it makes me feel this……
Have the courage to respond in love for yourself.
And most of all love yourself first and foremost. Again, if you don’t get the right response(s) you were looking for, Either open up the conversation more or love yourself through it.
If you are the person who has someone close to you in your life going through a chronic disease, here are a few ways to offer support that hopefully will lead to communication and validation on the other end.
Can you tell me more about the disease you are going through?
How has it affected your life not only physically, but also mentally, relationally, and financially?
How can I be there for you?
Friends that are going through a chronic disease, stay encouraged. YOU MEAN SOMETHING, YOU HAVE WORTH, YOU HAVE VALUE. WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH MATTERS. YOU MATTER. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU DESERVE TO GET THE HELP THAT YOU NEED. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. YOU DESERVE TO LOVE AND FEEL LOVED.
Friends that are loving someone going through a chronic disease, stay encouraged also. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE SPECIAL TO THAT ONE PERSON GOING THROUGH THE CHRONIC DISEASE. YOU MATTER TO THEM. YOU CAN SHARE LOVE IN WHOLE NEW WAYS BY CONTINUING TO OPEN THE COMMUNICATION CHANNELS.
Friend, you are not alone. If you need to use my voice, please do so. Share any topics I bring up in order to help you through this with anyone you know.
What topics would you like me to discuss on?
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